Funnell's Wood

In this second volume, Jan Cladpole, whose story is again related by Tim, succeeds Tom in a political “travel guide” to America. Word had certainly come back to the village of Chiddingly about slavery in the New World.

PREFACE

MOST every body knows about Tom Cladpole’s Jurney to Lunnun, so dat says jest naim at all. But deres very few knows a word about Jan Cladpoles travels, nor shud we said anything about um unny folks be terrifying Jan out ov his life to tell uin about what he see when he went to ‘Merricur – one says, “Now Jan do tell us how ye made out in de storm?” Another says, “How about dat yellor faced fellur wud his gurt quid?” An den another bellurs out, “Jan, so ye didn’t loike yur black team much did ye?” Den de boys bawl out, “Jan, do tell us about dat market were dey sell de poor black boys and girls ?”
Some want to know about de good old gennelman wot worede broad brim’d hat; an den how Jan managed to beg his way home, so dat it took up half Jan’s time to tell about it all.
So one dey he comes to me an says, says he “Father I wish youd set it down as you did Tom’s bout to Lunnun, an den dey may all know it?”
As to dat says I Jan, I think ye ought to be ashamed ov your travels instead of letten every body know wot a silly ye have been, I dont know Father says he, I think if I by my foolishness was to lose ma way, I ought to tell others wot was likely to travel de same road, otherwise dey woll act as I did; an sure anuf I dont lack any poor fellur to get hisself
in sich a mess as I did.

Well well Jan says I, deres sum sense in dat too, we’ll see about it arter de busy time is over a liddle ; so dat is all how it cum about, an de reader woll see all de rest ant as he gets along Onny I wud jes say
dat Jan was awves a monstus stomackful sort of a boy, an wanted to have his own way too much, but dis here trip to ‘Merricur has dun him a power ov good, he has now larnt dat dere be other folks wot knows as well as he does, an dat which ever side ov de world we live (as my poor granmother used to say) we shall otherwile meet wud a ruff hedge to scratch through.

Bout de prenten, an all dat I have naun at all to do wud dat, de printer cheps must anser fer all dat, wot ever fauts ye may find ov my maaken I be willen to anser for, an dat ought to satisfy ye, for as my uncle used to say ” uf evry man wud swip is own house clean, he wud have but a poor scrub ov a broom to lend to his neighbour.”

My Nevey Tom wishes me to tell ye, he thinks ye all for buying his book, an dat he has sold um all agin, but talks of haven some more prented, an den
ye may have as meny as ye loike.

I remain yur ol’ Frend,
An well wisher,
TIM CLADPOLE.

JAN CLADPOLE’s TRIP TO ‘MERRICUR

1 ONE dey as I was threshing oats,
De sweat run down ma back,
Fer I was foc’d to leather on
Ya see swack arter swack.

2 I gun to think wile clouten on,
An to myself I sed,
‘Tis rather hard to stiver so
Jess fer a bit of o’bread.

3 Wile gennelmen do naun at all
But eat an roll in coaches,
Mander o’er us poor fellers here
An grow as fat as roaches.

4 So sum do naun an we do all,
Dis never can be right ;
Darn me uf other cheps wud help
We’d show urn how to fight !

5 Here we must thresh, an plow, an mow,
An muck about a carten ;
I wish de unioners wud cum,
I’d soon be off a charten.

6 ‘Twas summut odd, but all at once
Dis sulky fit did taak me,
So I stood leaning on ma frail
As mad as crass cud maak me !

7 Jest den 0l’ Skinflint cum along
Wud terrible to do,
Ya idle rip, be belver’d out,
I’ve bad anuf of you.

8 Deres nothen done at all says be
So take it as a warnen,
Pack up yer kit au bodge away
Early to morrow mornen.

9 All I cud say he wound’nt bear
An ‘twant a bit ov use;-
He sed I’d idled all my time,
An call’d me a gurt goose !

10 Why sen ’tis cum to dat says I,
A sticken up yer crap ;
I wont thresh out another wad,
Nor sweat another drap.

11 So off I peck’d and prowlen down
Along de hollor tracks,
I met by chance our shumeker
I mean Ol’ Billy Wax. *

* Dat very same man wot sold Tom Cladpole he’s haboots wen he went to Lunnun.

12 I told un what had cum to pass
Come, come along says he,
(Ol’ Billy’s purtty deep ya see
And knows anuf fer three.)

13 “We trudg’d along de narror way,
Dat brung us to de Bell,
We call’d a pot ov Beer to drink,
And den he gun to tell.

14 All roun about de furren parts,
A ‘tother side de sea;
An sed if I’d be ruled by him
He’d make a man ov me.

15 Yes all de Parish knows full well,
Says I, an all agree,
Yabe deep larnt, good Master Wax,
“Why yes dats true” says he !

16 I know a thing or two says Bill –
An dodg’d his cunnen head,
Wud box in han he wink’d his eye,
Den took he’s snuff an sed.

17 “Goo to dat Ian ov liberty
“Where Dollars grow on trees,
“Nothen to do but gether um
“As meny as ya please.”

18 “No Parsons proud have dey to kip,
“No Tithes to pay nor Taxes;
“No Kings no Queens to gobble up,
“What here our stumiks vexes.”

19 “Dere you may hunt an shoot like fun,
“An pleasures never fail;
“No Squyer dere to take your gun,
“An send ye off to jail.”

20 “Master an Man be all alike”-
Stop Master Wax says I,
Do tell me where’s dat happy lan,
Dere I woll live and die ?

21 “No no” says he ” a thing so grand
“Fer naun can ne’er be told,
“Another pot an I woll tell
“Where ye may roll in gold.”

22 Agreed says I- “well den” he sed
“Amerricur’s the nation,
“Where ev’ry man whoe’er he be,
“May find a happy station.”

23 “In five short wicks fer five poor pouns,
“You’ll swim acrass de oashan,
“An see sich glorious sights which now
“You’ve not the slightest notion.”

24 Now dis fine news and t’other pot
Did gin to warm ma gill,
Good bye, my good fren Wax, says I,
“Good luck to ye” says Bill.

25 I bundled off to father den,
An told un all de story,
Tis Merricur’s de place fer me,
Dere I shall live in glory !

26 But he want half so hot as I,
An sed ’twas all a whim,
Whoever heard ov Dollar Trees,
“An sich like things?” says Tim.

27 Well goo I woll, and shortly too,
I wish I was dere now;
OP Skinflint may thresh out he’s oats,
An he hisself may plow.

28 “To hender you” den father sed,
“Why Jan I shud be sorry –
“But bout de brads” – Oh t have sum,
An ‘tother I can borry.

29 Fer cousin Tom’s a goodish chep,
He’ll lend ma sum I know ;
An I can pay un off agen
When I do richer grow.

30 Mother woll look me up de grub-
Sum baacon an a pie,
As I hant fur to goo ya know,
Fer I shall start frum Rye.

31 In ten short deys ’twas settled well,
Dat I shud be a sailen ;
De neighbours bed ma all farwell
But mother was a wailen !

32 She sed it was a shocken thing,
An den she talked of dyen ;-
An tho’ a tuff ol’ hearty chep
Ol’ Tim could scarce help cryen.

33 Mother good bye – an father too –
An good bye cousin Tom ;
When I have gold to spare abroad
I’ll think ov you at home !

34 So off I trudg’d, away to Rye,
As fresh as eny daisy,
At ol’ Skinflint I shook my fist,
Acaus he call’d me lazy !

35 De Wessel was both stout an strong,
An lay along de shore ;
My liddle den was loike a sty
Where pigs do lay an snore.

36 By mornen light we put to sea,
So smood an fine de weather –
We bowl’d away to ‘Merricur,
So merrily together.

37 Ten deys an nights we swimm’d along
Wud scarce an aken head,
An den while snoren in de sty,
I tumbled frum ma bed.

38 Halloo ! says 1, as up I rous’d,
Why what can be de matter,
Wot be we got to ‘Merricur?
Dere’s sich a tegus clatter?

39 “A storm !” a dreadful storm” dey sed,
So I went up on deck,
An in a minut down I cum
Upon ma bottom swack!

40 A gurt high wave cum tumblen o’er,
Where I a sprawlen lay,
(I never seed de loike afore)
An swum ma clean away !

41 But I scratched up upon ma fit
As ‘tother side I cum,
Another wave cum blundern down
An brought me on ma bum !

42 So dat giv me another swim,
Back were I fust begun;
Thinks I uf dis be riden now,
‘Tis no gurt shakes ov fun !

43 In dese two swims I hort ma head,
So I went down below,
An creep’d into ma cubbud bed,
Drainen frum top to toe !

44 Sum set, sum lay as sick as death,
An I as wet as sap –
Hel younguns heads a yallopen
Right in der mother’s lap!

45 Sum wish’d de world was never made –
An sum had monstus airs, –
Sum froughten’d thought dey soon shud die,
An try’d to say der pray’rs.

46 De Wessel crack’d – I thought she’d break,-
De win and sea did roar;
De sailors rattled over head –
I wish’d maself ashore.

47 De storm however blow’d away,
An we brish’d on quite well;
But as to say de road we went
Dat nubbudy can tell.

48 An how we ever foun de way,
To me ’twas monstous odd,
We never met but one ol’ Ship,
An den dint ax de road !

49 De sky an sea was all we see,
An not a bit ov shore,
I never thought de world so big,
Nor half so big afore !

50 One dey as we was swimmen on,
A liddle fore ’twas dark ;
We met a fired gurt ol,’ fish,
I think it was a Shark

51 He’d carry ten upon he’s back,
Where all might set and ride un,
Leswise de sailors told me so,
But dint tell who’d try’d un.

52 He’s sich a fellur too to eat,
(Fer dey’d sin hem afore)
He’d gobble up two cheps dey sed,
An look about fer more.

53 We dousted on dey arter dey,
‘Twas nothen very funny.
But den I thought about de Tree,
Dat Tree dot bears de Money !

54 At last we got to ‘Merricur,
An I was wry glad,
Fer I ya see had made an ene
Ov all de grub I had.

55 De boats cum swimen off to us,
An took us all ashore,
My trouble all is gone thinks I,
An I sheant ha no more.

56 Dey brung us to a gurt tine place,
Sum fellurs big an high,
Ax’d what I carry’d in ma box ?
What’s dat to you sed I?

57 Dey wud a hammer broke de lid,
An I begun to squall,
An out dey turn’d ma breeches den,
Ma wesket, hat an all !

58 Dat gun to set ma monkey up –
I ketch’d un by de nose,
What’s dis yer Yankee Liberty ,
To steal afellur’s lothes?

59 He sed he’d send me off to jail,
An ax’d how dat wud suit?
Den turn’d me roun an kick’d ma breech,
“Begone ya English brute !”

60 To meet sich usage all for naun,
Stuck rather in ma eye,
So off I bodg’d wud box an all,
My better luck to try.

61 Fine shops an houses stood along,
So thick in meny a row ;
I ax’d de yankees all I met,
Where Dollar Trees did grow.

62 One star’d so sacy in ma face –
One grin’d an shook he’s head –
One turn’d he’s quid – an spet – an all
Pop’d off and nothen sed.

63 Why what’s de matter wud ye all,
Ya sim so plaguy glum ?
Ya look as uf ya had de gripes,
Or else ya all be dum.

64 At las I lit upon a house,
Were I might stop an rest,
To moiTor mornen now thinks I,
I’ll try an do ma best.

65 An so I did fer walken down,
Along a narror way,
I met a yellor yankee man,
An den he gun to say.

66 “Ya sim a strong an hearty man,
“I guess an Emigrant –
“An I can look ya up a job,
“If work is wot ya want.”

67 Dollars is what I lack says I,
Do tell me were dey grow ;
He grin’d an turn’d his quid an sed,
“Dat I shud loike to know !”

68 Ma pockut be’eu low ya see
Afore I furder went,
I thought I’d better tackle to,
An maak meself content.

69 So he set me a saaen wood –
An den a loaden boats ;
“Twos ev’ry bit as tuff a job,
As threshing Skinflint’s oats !”

70 De Bos* took care to maak me move,
An well arn ev’ry penny ;
No time to look fer Dollar Trees,
Nor did I hear of eny.

71 One dey a gennelman I met,
“An do ya want a master
He sed” I’ll put ya in a way
“To get yer money faster.”

* De people wot live at ‘Merricur call der master Bos, wot a queer name.

72 Says I dats jes de very thing,
Do tell me uf ya please,
De lucky spot uf ya do know
Were Dollars grow on Trees.

73 “Yes yes” says he “trust me fer dat,
“Fer very well I know;
“Virjenny is de place ma lad,
Were plenty an um grow.”

74 I bless’ d ma stars an garters too.
An star’d – an sim’d a dreamer;
But how be I to find ma way –
“Oh goo down by de Steamer.”

75 De Steamer, wot is dat says I ?
A gurt ol’ bony mare?
“No no” says he” a boat dat flys,
“An you woll soon be dere.”

76 Well so nex morneu down I went,
De boat lay close ashore;
I went aboard – an soon I met,
Wos trouble dan afore.

77 I thought de boat was gwyn to fly,
Jes loike a air balloon ;
Or loike a burd swich thro de sky,
But I larnt better soon.

78 Fer off we desh’d thro meny a wave,
An made um so to spatter, –
We flew in water, not in air,
Wud sich hem ov a clatter.

79 An two gurt wheels kipt rollen roun,
Loike Cheater’s Mill ya know;
To grind de puddings ’twas I spose,
Down in de pot below.

80 A fired gurt ol’ porrige pot,
As hot as hot cud be,
Did hus an wallup all dey long,
As I did never see !

81 To make ma story short – at las
We landed at Virjenny ;
Den, wot afore I never know’d,
I found I was a ninny !

82 To trust a lying Yankee chep,
Whose tongue did smoodly tell,
Fine stories – but ya soon shall hear,
Wot ma sad lot befell !

83 Nex mornen wen ma master cum,
A heavy wip he give ;
An sed “dere go into de fill
“Fer nigers ya must driv.”

84 Wot ! ‘tend yer hogs ? – no dat I wont,
Dat ne’er woll do fer me ;
“Hogs no,- but strmmut wos dan hogs,
“So cum along” says he.

85 Wud dat ‘he brung me to a place,
It cut ma to de hart;
To see ten gurt black fellurs dere.
Chained to a heavy cart.

86 He laffen sed “dere dats yer team,
“An tif dey do not pull,
“Use dat stout wip – an flog urn well,
“Jest as ya woud a Bull!*’

87 Wot! flog dem men who’ve done no hort?
No dat woll never do,
Why dey woll tear ma liver out,
An sarve me rightly too !liberty an dat”!

89 Uf liberty is draaen blood,
From dem poor fellurs’ veins ;
Dats true says I – whoever heard
Ov liberty in chains!

90 “Come come,” says he ya’ll wiser grow,
“Do maak yerself content,”
Not I – an down I throw’ d de wip,
An off I shortly went.

91 He den kitch’d up de plaguy wip,
An gun to rage and roar;
An leather’d me swack arter swack,
Till my poor back was sore!

92 “So get along ya loafen lout” –
He stomp’ d an swore an sed –
But were to goo I did not know,
Fer I was gran nigh dead !

93 Beside de weather was so hot,
I thought ‘twoud burn me quite,
So I creep’ d in a hedge an lay,
Dat dey – an all de night.

94 I thought ov home an Father too, –
An den ov Billy Wax ;
An uf dey’d tithes an parsons dere,
Dey had no bloody backs!

95 Uf Mother was but here I thought,
She’d try an ease ma pains ;
An den I thought of dem poor blacks,
Ov liberty in chains!!

96 An as fer dollar trees, thinks I,
‘Tis all a peck o’ stuff ;
An wish’d I’d brads to car me back,
To England’s shore anuf.

97 I ‘member’d too what father sed,
Dat wishes all was vain,
A thousand wud’nt fell a quart,
So up I scratch’ d agen.

98 I had no money in ma bag,
Fer dat was all quite spent,
I creep’d along a mile or two,
An in de town I went.

99 I’d naun to eat an naun to drink,
Ma back wos burnen hot,
I’d better stay’d at home thinks I,
Contented wud ma lot.

100 Plenty of wites an blacks I met,
An yellor folks I see ;
But dere was nub’dy I know’d,
An nub’dy car’d fer me.

101 I spoke to um, dey nothen sed,
Ov all dat I did meet,
At last I was so ternal bad,
I tumbled in de street.

102 Dey passen by no notice took –
I panted hard fer breath –
De sun did shine, most hot anuf,
To brile a chep to death.

103 A man wud a gurt broad brim’d hat, *
At las cum trudgen by ;
“Cum fren git up” to me he sed,
“An don’t lay dere an die.”

104 He ax’d me were ma Father liv’d,
An kindly spoke to me ;
I told un ’twas a long way off,
A ‘tother side de sea.

105 He brung me to de Ospital,
Were Doctors stood in rows, –
Dey give me lots ov bitter stuff,
An tri’d to cure ma blows.

106 But wos I gotan wosser still,
I evry dey did grow,
An wether I shud live or die,
De doctors did not know*

107 Arter a wile I gun, to mend,
Right glad was 1 ov dat,
He cum an kindly talk’d to iqe,
Wot wore de broad brim’d hat.

* Dat Gennelman’s broad brimed Hat hel all de good dat I see in ‘Merricur !

108 He sed I shud walk out awile,
Dat I might see an know ;
Were I might get a job ov work,
Wen I did better grow.

109 I did – an as one dey I went
Along de street a staren,
I heard a terrible to do,
Ov crying an ov swearen.

110 I ax’d wot all dat racket ment?
“Onny a market rout”
Dey sed – an so I doddled down,
To see wot ’twas about.

111 I thought to see sum bullocks ere,
Or ship shet in a pen,
No, all de stock dey had to sell,
Was Women black and Men,

112 Chain’d two an two dey stood along,
Loike oxen in a yoke;
De Women cry’d an Childun too
As uf der harts was broke.

113 De auction man stud brawlen loud,
Wud hammer in his han ;
Two Hundud Dollars who beds more,
Fer dis fine nigger Man!

114 An soon dey sold de nigger fine,
O ! how he’s wife did roar,
When she was sold to goo away,
Never to see him more !

115 Her cries – (I think I hear dem now)
Dey rent de very air,
“Me wish me dead an gone” she sed,
An den she tore her hair.

116 I thought ov my poor mother too,
An spose de man was I,
An foc’d to goo where nub’dy knows,
I blev she wud jes cry.

117 Again she hugg’d her liddle boy,
“Oh de poor Pickaninny” !
Says I to one, is dis de way
You sell folks at Virgenny?

118 He gruff’d – “what dont ya loike it much” ?
No not a bit I sed, –
Uf I was well I’d go an crack
Dat auction fellurs head !

119 Wud dat dey all cum floeken roun,
An swore an made me shiver,
Dey sed uf I want shortly off
Dey’d hol me in de river

120 Uf ever I git home agen
Says I – an shook ma bat,
I’ll tell our Queen an Gurtuns ;
An maak ya member dat.

121 What ! sell poor men an womem too,
De loike was never sin ;
Blow me uf I git back agen,
Uf I dont tell de Queen !

122 To Brighton I woll surly goo,
An tell ur all about ye,
She’s Wessells dere an Soagers too,
An dey woll cum an rout ye.

123 Wud dere gurt guns, dey’ll soon be here,
An dat woll sarve ye right,
While runnen off dey’ll shoot ye all,
Sich rogues as you cant fight !

124 So I cum huffen off ya see,
Ma blood was bilen hot ;
Fer wot I see off dem dere blacks,
Woll never be fergot.

125 Wot! talk ov taxes an ov tithes,
Ov Parsons an ov Kings;
Ov workhus Men, an Overseers,
‘Tis naun to sich loike things!

126 Back to de Ospital I goes,
An told um wot wos doen,
I sed no wonder ’tis so hot,
Dis place woll cum to ruin.

127 Loike Sodom ya will all be burnt,
An I’ll be off fer fear ;
Sich monstus wicked folks I know,
Is no were foun but here.

128 Down to de river den I went,
To see wot I cud do,
An find a boat or summut dere,
Fer somewhere else to goo.

129 Dat very Steamer wos dere still,
A swimen loike a cork,
Dey told me she was goen back,
Nex mornen to New York,

130 I told um all ma brads was gone,
De master den did say,
“I’ll car ye back fer naun to York,
“Uf you woll work yerway.”

131 So swish an brish we bowl’d away,
Back were I was afore,
An dis I got by dat ere trip,
A back so mortal sore.

132 An dat wos all – but I wos glad,
An never sim’d to mind it,
As Father says “Deres comfort still
Uf we know were to Jin d it” !

133 1 told de Captain wot I’d sin,
He sed ’twas badish luck,
An uf I long’d fer home agen,
I might goo back a Duck !”

134 A Duck ! wot goo a paddle quack,
Acrass dat gurt wide sea?
Why I cant swim a bit says I, –
“Not sich a Duck” ! says he.

135 “But work yer way as ya hav done
“Fer me, to England’s shore,”
Says I, T woll goo back a Duck
I’ve bin a Goose afore !

136 Or else I never shud a left
Ma Dad – an good ol’ Mum ;
Who woll may goo to ‘Merricur,
Uf I can once get home !

137 Thinks I deres no more trouble now;
(As I have had sich luck)
But soon I foun deres nothen else
Fer hem as cums Jim Duck!

* Sich Cheps wot work dere way home de Sailors call um Jemmy Ducks!

138 De Capten was a swellen blade,
Sailors as bad an wos,
Jim here – Jim dere – Jim everywhere
An den dey’d swear an cus.

139 “Ya lubber goo an swab de deck –
“Now goo an feed de hogs” –
Dey ge me stinken beef to eat,
Not fit to fling to dogs.

140 Dey made me pump de water up,
An ge me meny a swack,
Wud a ternashun gurt ol’ rup,
Upon ma poor sore back.

141 An as for bed, deres none ov dat,
However went de weather,
Jem Duck an hogs upon de deck
Turned in an slept together !

142 De ol’ black Cook did favor me,
Wud otherwile a bite ;
Or I shud never liv’d to tell,
But starv’d an dy’d outright !

143 At las we got to Liverpool,
An when I went ashore,
Dey told me I had got to goo
Two hundred mile an more.

144 A purty mess, ma clothes is gone –
No brass at all have I, –
An wether I can beg or no,
I dont know – but I’ll try !

145 So I set up a Begger Man,
An matches I did sell ;
Jim Duck’s wos much a wosser job,
Nor liv’d nor lodg’d so well!

146 Arter a fortnits beggaren,
Ma home at las I foun ;
Mother she cry’d, an Father laff’d –
But all wos safe an soun.

147 Ah never mind ol’ gal says I –
An den to Father sed,
I’ll ge ol’ Wax a blowen up,
Afore I goo to bed.

148 I went, an dere I see un stan,
A readen ov de news ;
Ya lyen rip says I git in,
An sole an mend yer shoes !

149 Ya sed ya’d maak a Man ov me,
Deny it uf ya can,
Dese rags wud dat do well agree,
But ’tis a Beggar Man !

150 I had sum brads wen I went off,
An might have had sum still,
TJf twant fer you – twod sarve ya right
To clout yer head ol’ Will !

151 He sed he’d red ov wot he told,
-Nor reason had to dout it :
Dere hold yer tongue says I fer you
Know naun at all about it !

152 Deres no sich thing as Dollar Trees,
Nor is dere Lords an Squyers ;
But plenty sich as you ol’ Wax,
Ov bare fac’d Scamps an Liars !

153 Yankees an you be jest aloike,
Wud tongues as smood as oil ;
Tell lies be dozens as ye goo,
An cheat us all de wile.

154 So good bye to yer clawney all,
Red, yallor, white, an black ;
Yankees shell never see my face,
Now I be got safe back.

155 Bad luck to Liberty in Chains !
An Dollar Tress so clever !
I’ll be content at home to live,
Ol’ England fer ever!

Hur rah-a-a— !

As far as I know, this document is in the public domain.